BEYOND THE BUZZWORDS BREAKDOWN: By exploring words that have origins in domestic violence and have now entered into everyday language, we can get a sense of the power of words and why what we say matters to survivors and the community. Scroll through and click on different trending terms to learn how they get misused in society and what these terms really mean. Join in to share your thoughts on these words and how you can be thoughtful with language in the future.
Toxic
The term “toxic” has now been adopted to mean people or situations that bring upset or add negativity to someone’s life. While that does deserve attention, labeling all upsetting things as toxic takes away the meaning for situations that are genuinely harmful. In reality, “toxic” refers to behaviors that are manipulative, controlling, critical, and intentionally abusive. Toxic relationships often have one person who is purposely working to erode a person’s confidence or their decision-making ability. If a person experiences toxic relationships, they’ll often feel unsafe and unsure of themselves.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a term that has gained more popularity, although it’s been adopted widely as a way to describe any act that seems untruthful, or an alternative (and often offensive) perspective. Though a person should be mindful when a partner is lying or there is a disagreement in the relationship about how something happened, this is not gaslighting. The term refers to a clear form of abuse, where one person is intentionally trying to distort reality or make someone question their own recollection in order to gain control.
Narcissist
The term “narcissist” has entered the lexicon in recent years, often when describing behaviors from someone that we think are selfish or unkind. While that deserves exploration in determining what kind of partner we want, there is a distinct difference between selfish behaviors and narcissistic behaviors. For narcissists, there is an excessive need for attention and admiration that puts a high burden on their partners. There is also a lack of empathy or consideration for partners’ needs, and a willingness to exploit, manipulate, and control partners for their own benefit. These behaviors move the relationship from having unhealthy traits to having abusive traits, and partners in these situations need support to decide how to safely move forward.
Love bombing
Love bombing is a term that people now use sometimes to describe partners who may be displaying their excitement in ways that feel excessive or overwhelming, with large romantic gestures or frequent contact. In these situations, this partner might actually be open to hearing about changing the pace or respecting the other’s boundaries. Love bombing, in reality, is the use of excessive affection, admiration, or gestures to aim for control in the relationship. Love bombers often try to hurry the relationship along to make the other person feel obligated to them. They may try to guilt their partner into feeling bad about not returning their feelings or gestures, demand all their partners time and attention, and become possessive. They’ll often withdraw the affection as a form of punishment when they don’t get what they want.
Triggered
The term “triggered” is now frequently used to describe experiences that make a person feel anger, frustration, or shock. While someone might be uncomfortable or have a strong emotional reaction, that is different from the experience of triggers. Being triggered or activated is a complex physiological response that is attached to a traumatic memory. The body responds in a protective or survival way, which often includes flight, fight, or freeze reactions. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, dissociation, hypervigilance, or panic attacks. When we misuse or weaponize the term “triggered”, we take away from the very real and painful reactions that survivors of abuse face when reminded of their trauma.
Boundaries
Recently, we’ve seen the term “boundaries” be weaponized by partners as another way to attempt to gain control of someone else’s behavior. If the language of “boundaries” is being used to be manipulative, controlling, or fully focused on another person, this is harmful to a relationship. Boundaries, in actuality, are about the relationship with yourself. They are limits set to protect yourself and communicate your preferences and needs. Boundaries are built on the foundation of respecting everyone involved in the interaction and allowing people to make their own decisions. In healthy relationships, boundaries include advocating for ourselves while knowing not to inflict our will on other people.
Have you seen the mannequins around campus with these buzzwords? Fill out an index card with your definition of the word and place it in the mailbox next to them with your name/email address on it to enter this month’s giveaway!
*Only RBHS students are eligible to enter sweepstakes for prize giveaway. Announcement of winner will be on October 31, 2023. Prize will be available for pickup on campus and cannot be mailed to another destination.